I’ve Got You!

I spent the last weekend snowed in. I probably shouldn’t have driven in the heavy falling snow to get to Greensboro, but it was worth it. I played Uno, Aggravation, watched Mars Attacks, fixed a computer, played in the snow, drank, ate, and slept all in good company. Memorable weekend. The last few weeks have been so hectic with the start of the new semester at work and with school that I really needed a weekend away. I don’t have a lot to type right now, but I wanted to write down that I had a great weekend because I know I can trend negative a lot when I type. Well – I had a great time, damnit!

One other note: I’m looking waaaaay forward to my spring/summer conference schedule. Looks like Las Vegas, Orlando, Atlanta, and Camden, NJ. Ideally, I’ll be adding some personal time to a couple of these trips so I can enjoy my destinations and then hopefully I’ll be working on some personal trips. I’d like to go backpacking again and steal a weekend to New Orleans or to the beach. We’ll see.

Off to do homework. Ah, the routine.

So far this week has been pretty crazy at work. I’ve been working long days and not really making the stack on my desk any smaller. Every time I get something done, another need pops up. I guess its good in a way, but man I’m tired! On top of that, I come home and one of my roommates is being kind of a dink. I don’t know why, but I hate when people take their personal crap out on me. But its whatever…between the two I’m just looking forward for the weekend! I’ve got some fun plans!

A friend from out of town will be coming in to visit and one of the first things we’ll do is go see a movie. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Heath Ledgers last movie, is opening at one theatre in Charlotte so we’ll trek down to see it. I’m sure the rest of that evening will be spent with some good drinks and conversation. A relaxing end to the week. The next day, we’ll head to the newly opened Bechtler Museum of Modern Art. The collection is supposed to be pretty impressive and as I’ve watching the building go up, the anticipation has grown. I’m still looking around for another cheap activity, but between some drinks, video games, and good company I think this will be a great weekend.

School has started back for me. I’m starting my next to last semester. This summer, I’ll finally have my Masters and I can begin the search for my next educational experience. I can’t decide between certifications and a Ph.D or Ed.D program. Hell maybe I’ll just quit and become a traveling hippie. haha. But anyway, I need to get ready for bed. I’m freakin exhausted.

As the year winds down, so does my vacation. I’m trying to make plans for New  Year’s Eve but as with most times I try to plan, the variables (mainly other people) make it extremely difficult. The plans range from drinking at the house to going out to taking a little road trip. Here I am, the day before and still people won’t commit. Thats a real problem lately. Any time I want to do something, I can’t seem to get people on board because they either don’t have the money, time, or balls to lock-in. Its funny because thats the story of my life. Try to organize things, they fall through. Try to date, it falls through. People suck.

As with most things though, I’ll keep trudging through it all hoping to meet some people who are on better footing. Gotta keep trying.

I know I kind of already did a revue of the year around my birthday, but I figured I’d say a few more words. haha. The more I reflect on the year, the more I see that I’ve continued to learn and grow … and mellow out somewhat. I’ve also found that I’ve been wanting more and more to find that group of friends I’ve been missing in Charlotte and someone to fill the other seat in my hot little car. Not that this is anything new, but I have found myself trying a lot harder … and yielding the same results. Theres something wrong in my approach and I’ve been thinking a lot on that for the last couple months. I think part of the problem is that I’m too responsible/mature for my age. Is that even possible? Well, to put it in perspective, I have absolutely no problem making friends and finding dates in people who are a decade or two older than me. Being as thats not what I want, I don’t take those friends or dates. I have quite an easy time talking to people of my own age and within a few years …. and they have quite an easy time disappearing.I don’t feel too terribly awful that people disappear on me. In talking with some others my age, apparently this isn’t all that uncommon. Neither is the disgusting sense of entitlement and me-centric view a lot of them have. But I’ve written about that before. Additionally, I have no problem finding those much, much younger than me. The problem here is general lack of education and life experience … and a penchant for excessive partying and general lack of appreciation for activities that do not include alcohol. I’m not trying to be pretentious here … I’ve graduated from having to party hard day and night. I find it hard to enjoy the company of those who live this lifestyle.

This year I also really started to feel the need to move on to the next chapter. This is driven by my need for a new intellectual challenge in my work and also because I feel that I’ve exhausted my friend options in Charlotte. Essentially, I’m ready to flee and start anew. Again. For the fourth time. I’m working for weak leaders who are set in their old ways. I’m living in a transient city where people come and go and thus the atmosphere is cliquish. I think a change of scenery can be most helpful and uplifting … and thats exactly what I want.

2010: You will be my b*tch. I will own you and will get all of the things I want out of  you because I will make it all happen.

So I’m down to the last work week for 2009. Man I’m soooo freakin ready. The house has lights on the outside, the tree is up, and this morning was freezing cold. I’m about ready for the holiday! During my time off, I’m still toying with doing a little bit of traveling, though that still seems like it’ll be hard. Between the benz and a lack of traveling companions, I may just end up sticking around. I know I’ve mentioned that previously, but I’m kinda bummed about it. In the end, its not a huge deal though. I can still smile and enjoy sleeping, eating, drinking, gym – ing, and playing the crap outta some video games. Anyone feel like meeting in a randomly selected city for a couple/few days?

I didn’t really do a Thanksgiving “I’m thankful for X” kind of post, so I thought I’d take a minute to do that. I’m extremely thankful for the opportunities I’ve had and the people I’ve shared time with (family, friends, more, less) because of the things I have learned and continue to learn from the people and the chances. This year has been full of growth for me personally and professionally as I’ve continued to push to learn outside of work and to step outside of my comfort zone in many respects. I’m thankful for my health and the health of my family and friends as we all travel on this journey. Last, I’m thankful for the life I lead because it is a result of gifts from higher powers and the developmental approach taken by my parents. So … thanks.

I didn’t really have a whole lot to say this go ’round. I’m off to do some Christmas shopping and to laugh at strange people in the mall. As a race of beings, humans really are funny. We do the stupidest things … and then we create malls where we can go to laugh at each other.

Since I’ve been off almost a week and a half, I figured I write up the happenings. Probably the biggest thing to happen over the break was the purchase of my new benz. Its a car I’ve lusted after ever since college. SLK-300. So now I have my hardtop convertible and I’m loving the feeling of driving a roadster. Outside of that, I’ve finished christmas shopping except for two people, finished my research project, procrastinated on one paper that I’m doing once I finish typing this, saw (Planet 51, Old Dogs, New Moon, Ninja Assassin), got to hang out with someone great, enjoyed time with friends, enjoyed the awkwardness of having a friend’s potential love interest acquaintence over, slept a whole lot, decorated the house for Christmas, played video games, and slept some more. Whew!

Now I have to get back to work for a week and a half and then I’m off for three more weeks. Sadly (or not so), the money I had saved to do something over the break went to the car, so I may just be staying and enjoying the time with friends. Thats definitely not a bad thing, but I had been hoping to do some traveling. C’est la vie! I’ll enjoy whatever I do because thats just how I live.

Overall I’m still pretty happy with how things have gone for me up to this point (cue up my previous post about my 28th year). I’m still searching for a few good friends. I seem to always find those who lack ambition in life (admitting that  you’re lazy and smoke pot daily is NOT hot), do drugs, drink and club entirely too much, live far away, lack manners (ok i’m a little picky about table manners and about saying please and thank you), or they’re simply too young or too old to understand much about me and where I am in my career/life. I am admittedly picky and thats why I have few friends I consider “close” and thats why I am perpetually single. Mind you, I don’t like the situation, but I’m not lowering my standards. There was some teen creed with Jesus on it that I read years ago … it said something about being careful who you associate with because you become what they are. I just have no desire to become super lazy, addicted, a club kid, rude, or anything other than motivated to change the world. When does it change from a dream to being egotistical? I haven’t deicded where that changes yet but kids are allowed to dream as big as they want .. adults have to be realistic because they end up being labeled egotistical, aloof, out of touch, or other negatives. ANYWAY … I’m still working on all of this.

So now I have to go write a Concept Integration Paper. Apparently, I’m supposed to integrate all of the concepts I’ve “learned” into some situation. I still find myself wishing I could just pay for the damned degree. I’ve studied less this semester than any semester and I still have A’s going in to the last week or two. The problem with being an overachiever is that I’m constantly bored! I need a challenge where I have some room to use my damn brain. Problem solving is so much fun … finding books and quoting the thoughts of others isn’t generally fun. Dialogue and debate are fun! Being told how things are is not fun. The theory taught in academia is sometimes so out of touch with the practice of the real world that its laughable. But I digress. I have to write a paper. Dance, monkey!

Side note: “Monkey” was such a fun character to travel with in the eastern literature I read. I need to follow him again. I recall a challenge from Buddha and Monkey being imprisoned under a mountain. *sigh* Add that to the list of things I really want to read again.

It seems like the year was pretty full. I feel like I lived a little more. I made a new friend and reconnected with an old one. Going into the year, I was was severely lacking in friends, but I feel like I’m working on that and this year showed improvement. In terms of doing “things” I can say that between traveling to New Orleans, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Gatlinburg, Helen, Austin, and Orlando I know that I racked up the frequent flier miles and miles on the car … and had a great time doing it. I got to go backpacking this year, gambling, drinking, and learning. I got my first tattoo, switched from the smart car to a jeep wrangler, switched phones multiple times (now on the Droid), had shaggy hair, cut it, and started growing it out again, and lost some weight.

With ups come downs. I went from feeling alright in my job to feeling insecure and now just waiting it out. I had an opportunity on the table that got me too excited too quick. Kali had a brush with bad health (but its a plus she got better!). I had personal drama.  When I look at the bad, I feel like it is outweighed by the good. Thats a good thing.

I fell in to some new music (and rediscovered some old music):

Silversun Pickups – all of their stuff, Placebo – Walking Up That Hill, Vampire Weekend – Kape Cod Kwassa Kwassa and A-Punk, MGMT – Kids, Electric Feel, Janes Addiction – Jane Says, Muse – Uprising, Puscifer – The Mission, and many more! Theres some M83, Nirvana, Matthew Sweet, Jimi Hendrix, Guster, Our Lady Peace, Matt & Kim, and a number of other bands too.

So yeah the year could have been better, but I feel thankful that it was a decent year on the whole. I finally learned something useful in my masters classes too … Appreciative Inquiry. I’ve really been trying to keep that at the forefront of my skillset at work.

For year 29? I’m wishing very hard to continue to grow my circle of friends, wishing for good health, good fortune, and new opportunities. I hope that I continue to learn and grow and that I can help others learn and grow as well. May there be more ups than downs, more sun than rain, and more smiles and frowns.

Feedback is an interesting thing. I was given some feedback on “leadership” from someone whom I do not respect as a “leader.” The situation I’m faced with is having to change my leadership style to suit this person when they simply can’t lead and the majority of people see it. Sadly, if I don’t adapt to this style, I have zero potential for growth in my organization. What a harsh reality and an interesting situation. On one hand, I’m told I’m very competent and I run things well. On the other, he tells me I’m not a very good leader and he doesn’t think I can collaborate with others. The interesting part is that I get that exact opposite feedback from my supervisor and from others. Sure I have things to work on, but I’ve never been told I’m not a good leader and that I don’t collaborate. This is how I’ve decided that the feedback is invalid … virtually everyone says the opposite of what he said. So I’m back to having to change someones perspective that is based solely on anecdote. The number of times I’ve been in this situation is frustrating. How an organization can hold some people to data-driven decisions and allow others to operate based on anecdote is beyond me. Still, valid or not, the person who gave it is influential and thus I have to deal with it.

I’m angry, depressed, upset, and generally disillusioned. I have to find a way to work through this. If I don’t my work will suffer and I’ll be worse off because of it.

Action plan:

1) Find a way around and through.

2) Don’t forget to breathe and smile.

3) Kiss so much ass you get shit on your face … thats what they want. (Can the anger and sarcasm. Its self-defeating.)

4) Try to find a compromise between giving what they want and what you feel is morally right to do. Address moral and ethical dilemmas rather than sit on them.

5) Remember that not all feedback is valid feedback.

6) Find ways to showboat without showboating. If you’re being told you don’t do enough of something, but you know you do, you’re probably just not communicating it enough to those who aren’t there when it happens.

7) If data exists that counters anecdote, there is nothing wrong with sharing it.

Recognize that you are of a different generation and that sometimes, success means catering to the expectations of a different generation. We all have different frames through which we see, interact, and expect.

I *really* need my vacation to get here. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from this week. All because I wanted to grow, I now feel embattled and like I’m worthless. Morale issues abound. I need to be out of there for a few days, catch up on sleep, reset my view, and recharge myself. Thats typically how I grow. Sadly, I have to wait a few more weeks at least until I get a little time off.

I started a new supplement called jack3d with my workouts. So far I’m really digging it. Hopefully it isn’t one of those things where a few months from now they come out with some study that says it gives you cancer or makes your heart explode or something. It gives me energy, power, and better focus. After my last workout, I went and wrote a 12 page paper in one sitting … rare for me. So we’ll see if this keeps up. I hope so.

I just got back from Oktoberfest the other day. The yearly trek to Helen, Georgia proved to be fun. I was a little disappointed that none of my friends could come but sadly that has become normal for my trips. The Vegas trip in July was the exception. Usually my travel companions can’t make the trips for one reason or another and this year proved no different. I’m hoping that changes as my friends get a little older and more stable, but we’ll see. Either way, I had a great time visiting with family and friends of the family. Nothing like beer, german music, and lots of bratwurst to bring us all together!

My sister came with this guy she knew a long time ago. She was starting to get interested in him but the interest didn’t hold. He wasn’t exactly what she was looking for and then only proved himself to be pretty lame. He’s 31 or 32 and when things went south for their weekend together, he decided to urinate on some of her clothes. Yeah. Aside from that being disgusting, I couldn’t really do anything but laugh in disbelief. Who does that? Clearly he didn’t know how to deal with the situation. Some people. heh.

Now that I’m staying in Charlotte I’ve been trying to make some new friends. So far, I’m not doing too well. Everyone wants to find the love of their life or nothing at all. I don’t understand. People want to date without even taking time to get to know one another. Its pretty lame. I personally want to find a good group of friends. Good relationships have a foundation in friendship, so I’m trying to build a foundation before I decide to build more.

Oh! Speaking of jacked up, I’m kind of upset with a certain family member. Apparently, the reason I’m single is because I don’t lavish females. Allegedly, you’re supposed to spend money on people and they’ll like you. I laughed when I heard this because 1) I want someone to like me for me…not for my money and 2) I am pretty liberal with my money as it is and 3) I couldn’t believe how scary the logic was that people like to have money spent on them and thats how you get a long-term relationship. We all enjoy gifts, but if you set that precedent then you have to keep it up and that puts you on the road to having a money-based relationship. To me, thats no better than starting out a relationship by hooking up. In that case, its sex based. This is why I like to focus on friendship. Take me as am as a person. My money, my *amazing* sex, and other things like that do not define me.

Speaking of this … while I’m on a bit of a rant … who the hell cares about my sexuality? Some family members have made comments lately and I’ve gotten some e-mails asking. Does it really matter if I kiss boys or girls? Again, this is something that doesn’t define me as a person. I’m sad that such weight is put on things like this. What if my answer was that I don’t know what I want? Then I’d be viewed differently because people weigh things differently. If I said I kiss boys, I’d be viewed as Gay-Corv … not just Corv. If I said I kissed girls, I’d be viewed as “normal” but still have these nagging and dreadful statements about what I’m doing wrong (ie, not lavishing someone). Are we really so behind the times that it matters who people choose to love/sex? I really don’t place much value on it all. Consider me asexual.

Ok time to go to the gym and get ripped so I can impress all the hot PEOPLE. haha.

I’ve been on the hunt for a new job. I found a new job. I was offered the position. They did my background check and, because of bad record keeping at a previous employer, what I stated on my application and what came back through verification did not match. They pulled the offer. Ok…what the hell. No discussion, no nothing…they just pulled it. This happens at an organization that really needs someone NOW and clearly doesn’t place value on discussion and assuming innocense. I guess in the end, its probably a good thing I didn’t go there. For all the presentation of being a reasonable, logical, and discussion based organization, I think the action shows that that may not actually be the culture.

So, I feel vindicated. I was able to find that the records are inaccurate at my previous employer and to get someone to admit to the error. That makes me feel better because having the offer yanked out from under me really made me think that I had missed something and I’m sure it gave the impression that I hadn’t been forthcoming. I feel a thousand times better because I was able to cast a reasonable doubt on any suspicion like that. At the end of the day, that really made me feel better. I did something I probably shouldn’t have at this point: I BCC’d the person who had interviewed me. I don’t expect it to change anything and I’m really not sure I’d want it to change anything because of the questions I now have about the organizational culture. But I do have some takeaways from the experience:

1) Now I know for certain what will be reported for all employers in the future so this can’t possibly happen again.

2) I know to look deeper in to culture when I interview in the future. I only gave it a cursory glance because I was wowed with the presentation. That was a mistake.

3) I’ve found that I’ve undervalued myself. I say this without ego…I really had a low opinion of myself. I’ve come to find through my references and some things that have been said that I’m regarded as more competent and valuable than I had imagined. Its been extremely humbling and rewarding to learn these things. I should take my own advice and capitalize on my strengths instead of focusing on weaknesses…I’m my own worst enemy.

4) I have some allies I didn’t know about.

5) Don’t allow a shiny new opportunity to blind you to whats right in front of you.

Everything happens for a reason. Now I start a new chapter and see how I do.

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=672

A year ago v. now. I feel like, using the above post as a reference, I’m still in the same place. I’m still ready for a new challenge, disillusioned with school, in the same place financially, and stagnant spiritually. What I feel like I’ve gained though is some insight on why I’m alive. I do believe that I’m here to help people along the way (potentially at the expense of my own happiness, but ideally not because in the end I do enjoy helping). It is interesting though how otherwise stagnant I am. I think it really is time to do something about this.

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=680 

9 months ago v. now. Again using my own words, I’ve sacrificed much to be where I am … and where I am is somewhere between happy and unhappy. I’ve sacrificed making friends and being wild in my youth, but in turn I have many opportunities that otherwise probably wouldn’t have been in my path. Today I feel the same … stagnant … though I do have a best friend to show for it, I’m saddened by the idea that our paths will soon diverge by my movement or his. Distance has an uncanny ability to diminish friendships. I still have other acquaintances, but I really do question my social skills because it seems to me that no person should have nary an option for human interaction on a majority of nights. 

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=621 - Two and a half years ago I had the same angst about my job, finances, friends, etc. 

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=613 – A little over two and a half years ago I anticipate my future of lonely nights. 

http://www.ivegotyou.net/?p=520 –  A little less than four and a half years ago … I did seem … happier. I read some happiness, anticipation, and excitement. Now I read so much less of that. 

I read more posts from further back and I’ve come to a conclusion … I had to grow up and sacrifice more than I dreamed I would have to when I accepted this job in Charlotte. The mood of my posts, while sometimes angsty in the past did change a lot after February 2006. While I’ve maintained my sense of optimism, I see less of it now than before. I see that work has weighed so much heavier on me than I could have imagined and that it has dominated me. Now, don’t get me wrong. Its not all gloom and doom, but to me the change is apparent and I definitely don’t like what I see. I can’t place blame on a single thing (ie the job), but I can point to the job being a major factor. It has dominated my life so I’ve found myself friendless at times. It has caused me so much stress that I feel exhausted most days … and that has adversely impacted my health. 

Where do you go from here? How do I fix what is so obviously wrong? I feel like I’m on a slow path … focusing on school and getting ready for new opportunities that may allow me to refocus my energies. I want to move faster. I want to work to live, not live to work. I want to have ample free time to enjoy life and to experience it. I think … I need to affect a change now. Whatever blocks I may have that trample my social life … whatever professional interference I experience … whatever matters of the heart I feel tugging … whatever pulls me all different directions thus making me an ineffective person … … … it is my responsibility and my duty to myself and to those around me to reign it all in and to control my own destiny. It is my responsibility to dictate where I go and what I do … it is unacceptable to allow other forces in the world to dictate my direction and my happiness. 

I’m the captain of my own ship and its about time I really did what my optimism says I should do. Its about time for me to affect a change of my own. Its time to focus a little less on others and to clean my own house first. Time to explore new opportunity seriously. 

Time to go to bed.